Thirty-Three
A year ago today, I was in Mexico City, a place that I love dearly. But, I was unable to feel any happiness at all. I sensed that something was very wrong, and my body could feel it. The world as I had known it for over a decade seemed to be turning completely upside down, with a painful and slow, yet abrupt, ending. I had never felt so lost or empty before in my life.
About a week later, I arrived in my hometown and found myself in a very dark place emotionally. I felt hopeless, as if I was broken beyond repair, and I didn't know how to move forward. I couldn't eat, sleep, or find any peace of mind. I felt exhausted and restless simultaneously. I was extremely uncomfortable and wanted to crawl out of my own skin.
I found myself faced with two options. I could allow this situation to consume me and delay my healing by distracting myself (which, if you know me at all, I'm really good at doing), or I could choose a different path and learn everything I could from my situation. I didn't want to distract myself any longer. I felt like I had already been doing that unconsciously for the past few years. So from that point forward, I embarked on a deeply introspective journey. I haven't been perfect at it. I've faced multiple setbacks, but I’ve never lost sight of my goal to improve myself.
I started journaling every chance I could get. I would go on very long solo walks, even though it was -10000 degrees outside. I read all of the books. I started a new form of therapy. I started making art again. And I made sure that I saw the people I love and saved space for laughter, even though all I wanted to do was isolate myself forever. I slowly pulled myself out of that darkness and began to see this situation as an opportunity for a fresh start. Shifting my mindset from everything I had lost to everything I could gain.
This shift in my mindset is what brought me to a point where I am starting to feel proud of and connected to my authentic self. I'm learning that growth happens by letting go. You aren't changing who you fundamentally are; you are shedding layers of beliefs you have about yourself, behaviours that are unhelpful to you, connections that drain you, and circumstances that no longer serve you. You're removing the layers upon layers of everything that has held you back from who you already are.
The most important outcome for me in all of this is being surrounded by an abundance of genuine love. I have made new friends who feel like I’ve known them for a lifetime, and reconnected with old friends (and family) as if no time had passed. Over the past year, I’ve had numerous joyful experiences, as well as many painful ones. But I have come to realize that it's these experiences that make life beautifully intriguing. They are what make it all worthwhile.
A year ago today, I wanted nothing more than to go back in time and fix everything I felt I had done wrong. Today, I wouldn't change a single thing even if I could. That is the essence of growth and healing.
