(Self)Love & Loss

Something that often comes up when I talk to anyone who has gone through a significant loss is the fact that, while you are grieving, the world keeps turning. Which can feel incredibly isolating at times. We will all experience grief at some point in our lives. And while it is a deeply personal journey, I'm choosing to share my own experience to potentially help someone else feel less alone in all of it.

If you've read any of my previous journal entries, it's probably not surprising that I had a very challenging year last year. 2023 began when I decided to leave my life in Vancouver behind after a breakup with my ex-partner, who I was with for 10 out of the 12 years that I lived there. Moving back to Calgary turned out to be the best decision for me, but it was one of the most difficult choices I’ve had to make in my adult life. It’s been a lot to process.

I thought that would be the hardest thing I would go through, at least for a while. And I was really dedicated to healing from it all. But, as life would have it,I subsequently lost three of my close relatives within months of each other. My aunt passed away after a long battle with her physical health, my uncle passed away after a long battle with his mental health, and most recently, I lost my mom to what feels like a mixture of the two. My mom, her sister, and her brother were all such bright lights. It was really painful to watch them fade away, especially within such a close timeframe to each other.

Unsurprisingly, I began to feel as though my healing was constantly being derailed, as if I had to keep starting over again (and again…and again). And, unsurprisingly, It's been exhausting. From all of this loss, I started to experience a deep sense of loneliness, like a void within me that I had a hard time navigating. I tried everything I could to fill that void with external things. I was looking outside of myself and to others, to help me feel better. I was forgetting to look within myself to nourish my own soul. I neglected to fill that emptiness with self-love.

Throughout my life, I’ve often failed to practice self-compassion and prioritize my own emotional needs. I tend to put others' needs before my own and overly rationalize my feelings to avoid burdening the people I care about. To keep everyone happy. However, by doing so, I've unintentionally disconnected from my internal world. Related to, but not necessarily caused by this, I also experience dissociation. A feature that my (very fun) brain decided to develop in childhood and has continued to deploy well into adulthood, even in situations that don’t require that kind of survival tactic. My mind is essentially trying to protect me when I'm triggered by anything that feels unsafe (even if it isn't), by disconnecting from my physical body.

This lack of mind-body connection has made it difficult for me to fully process and understand my own emotions. It’s kept me in unhealthy situations longer than necessary. It has also made it difficult for me to make choices that align with what’s best for me. It's made it challenging for me to be fully present. Which means that it’s been difficult for me to process the loss I have experienced recently.

So, I've been focusing more of my energy on this aspect of my healing, which means spending a lot of time on my own, getting to know myself better, and reducing external distractions that hinder my healing. I'm learning to honour and accept my emotions by acknowledging them, sitting with them, and gaining a deeper understanding of them with genuine curiosity. I’m finding ways to express them that support my most authentic self.

I'm learning how to practice self-compassion on both good days and challenging ones. I'm learning to let go of self-doubt, self-blame, and the belief that there is something inherently wrong with me. I'm acknowledging my (many) flaws and imperfections, but also recognizing that they do not make me unlovable. They signify that I still have healing to do and patterns to break. This makes me human above all else. We all have work to do on ourselves.

Through this process, I'm creating more space in my heart to redefine my relationship with my mom. I've come to realize that this is the most crucial aspect of my healing journey. It always has been. My mom and I had a complicated relationship, especially near the end of her life. I won't have an opportunity in this lifetime to reconcile any unresolved issues or feelings with her by my side. Which has contributed most to the deep sense of loneliness I've been feeling.

The sense of loneliness I've experienced recently is rooted in an overwhelming emotional response to the complex feelings surrounding the loss of my mother. I loved my mom deeply, and I still do. She was, and still is, my hero. It was incredibly difficult for me to see her in so much pain. I know that it was hard for her too. I felt that she deserved better. This brought up many challenging emotions for me, both while she was alive and after she passed away.

But she did the best that she could with the emotional tools that she had, and I can see that more clearly now. No one chooses to suffer; sometimes, our life experiences become so unbearable that we can no longer hold space for ourselves. This can result in behaviours that are painful for those around us to see and experience. It creates a sense of hopelessness and even resentment because it’s so hard to witness. We’ve all experienced this to some capacity; it’s very relatable.

We all just want to see the people we love happy and thriving. We want what’s best for them. I know deep down that my mom would want the same for me. She always sought reassurance that I would be fine without her. Now that she's gone, I'm more determined to learn how to navigate life's challenges and genuinely be okay on my own. I've decided to focus on redefining my relationship with her through the ways in which I heal and move through my own life, honouring the beautiful and positive aspects of who she was. And ultimately, finding peace within myself.

In addition to increasing my therapy sessions (which I highly recommend if you have experienced any kind of loss), I've been reading and listening to many books about loss, love, acceptance, and self-compassion. Here are a few that have recently helped guide me through much of the above:

☾ How to Be the Love You Seek, Nicole Lepera

☾ How to Meet Your Self, Nicole Lepera

☾ Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach

☾ Radical Compassion, Tara Brach

☾ Walking Each Other Home: Conversations on Loving and Dying, Mirabai Bush & Ram Dass

☾ Keep Moving: Notes on Loss, Creativity and Change, Maggie Smith

Here's a meditation by Tara Brach from The Science of Happiness podcast, which helps ground me when I'm feeling overwhelmed.

And here’s a song that makes me happy lately:

If you have any recommendations for books, podcasts, songs, or anything else that has helped you on your healing journey, please let me know in the comments below. I always love learning how other people approach these things; it's so valuable to share.